Growing Up Hungry: The Longing for Attunement and the Work of Healing

If you're anything like me, just hearing the phrase "emotionally immature parents" can be activating. I notice myself bristling a little. The defensiveness activates fast:

Well, they weren't entirely immature. They did plenty of things right. Other people had it much worse. Um, RUDE, you don't know my family…

Honestly? That reaction could be saying more than any definition ever could. Feeling protective or dismissive often means something tender is being touched, something we learned to shield when we were young. It's also true that your parents likely tried in the ways they knew how, and succeeded in some. They just didn't have access to the emotional tools you needed to feel fully seen.

The Hunger We Carry

In psychoanalytic language, we talk about attunement: the experience of having your internal state recognized and reflected back to you by another person. In simpler terms, attunement is when someone sees who you truly are and you feel it.
When attunement is consistent enough in childhood, you develop a sturdy sense of self. You learn that your feelings are real, that they matter, and that you can trust your own experience of the world.

When attunement is inconsistent or absent, something else happens. You may have become the responsible one, the calm one, the invisible one. Maybe you walked on eggshells. Maybe you carried the emotional weight of the entire household. Or perhaps you learned to track everyone else's emotions while losing track of your own.
Over time, you stopped trusting that your perceptions were accurate.
You stopped trusting yourself.

This hunger rarely carries a name. The longing to be seen, validated, and understood doesn't come with a single event to point to. It's a quiet, persistent presence, often internalized as 'something is wrong with me.' In reality, these were survival strategies. Brilliant ways to move through a world that didn't meet your emotional needs.

Recognizing the Patterns

Long before therapy, there's usually a moment of recognition. That small spark of
Wait… this isn't normal?

Adult children of emotionally immature parents often notice a persistent sense of guilt for setting boundaries, or a deep difficulty trusting their own perceptions and intuition. There's the people-pleasing, the chronic overgiving, the anxiety that hums underneath everything. Sometimes it shows up as perfectionism. It can also look like repeating cycles of compulsive behaviors: substance use, disordered eating, overexercising, shopping, or compulsive relationships. Sometimes it's the quiet expectation that partners or friends will eventually let you down or leave, simply because that's what you learned to expect.

Beneath all of it, often, is a fractured relationship with your own knowing. You second-guess yourself. You look to others to confirm what you feel. You struggle to make decisions. You dismiss your gut and then wonder why you keep ending up in the same situations.

These aren't character flaws. They're adaptations, clever strategies that helped you survive in an environment where emotional attunement was scarce. Yet as adults, these same adaptations can feel both protective and like a cage.

Why Healing Feels Scary (and Sometimes Wrong)

Healing can feel like stepping into unfamiliar territory. Suddenly, you're exploring what it's like to say no. You're learning to listen to your intuition and trust it. You're choosing relationships that feel steady and reciprocal, which, if you're not used to it, can feel weirdly boring or like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This process can trigger anxiety, guilt, or shame. That's your nervous system reminding you of the old rules:
Don't upset anyone.
Don't need too much.
Don't make things harder.
Don't risk losing them.

The therapeutic work here isn't about overriding those responses. It's about developing a new relationship with yourself, one where you can feel the old fear and still trust your own judgment. Where you can hold space for the part of you that learned to disappear, while also letting a more authentic self emerge.

You're not doing something wrong.
You're doing something new.

A New Way of Being

Healing from emotionally immature parenting isn't about declaring anyone "bad" or cutting people off, though sometimes firm boundaries are necessary. It's about finding a way to exist that actually works for you, rather than the child version of you who first developed these patterns.

This often looks like naming and trusting your emotions, seeing relational patterns with curiosity instead of judgment, practicing boundaries in small ways, and seeking support through therapy, peer groups, or communities that get it.

As an old supervisor of mine once said: "Once you stop people-pleasing, expect people to be less pleased with you."

She wasn't wrong. Shifting out of old roles disrupts the family system. It can feel isolating, scary, and full of grief. That's why you don't have to do it alone.

You Are Not Broken

Wanting something different is not wrong. Setting boundaries is not wrong. Feeling frustrated with your family is not wrong. It's human.

The hunger you carried as a child doesn't have to run the show forever. Healing means rebuilding trust with yourself: learning to believe your own perceptions, to honor your own needs, to finally feed the parts of you that waited the longest.

If You'd Like Support

If reading this resonated, and you want guidance navigating your own patterns, you are welcome to reach out. I work with adults and couples who want to understand the hidden dynamics from their family of origin, heal old relational patterns, and build a life with more connection and choice.

Request an Appointment or contact me to start.